#98 Bella figura

Hello friend,

This week I found myself having to buy a present for someone I don't particularly know or like.

Now you might ask, what the hell does that mean, Rochelle?

Well, exactly that; I have been shamed, pressured and forcibly obliged into buying a gift for a newborn.

In Sicily, there are so many social rules and regulations to abide by; sometimes, it's infuriating, but if you don't abide by them, you will be seen as uncouth, unfriendly and antisocial. 

So, at the risk of being labelled as a cold-hearted snob of a foreigner, I went out and bought the darn present.

Let me take a step backwards and give you a little context. Now, a sister or brother-in-law in Australia or America or even in the UK for that case, can become a close friend or part of the family, but that depends on how well you get along with them on a personal level; you are under no obligation to have them as a part of your lives.

I don't know if this is the case in other parts of Italy or if it's only my particular Sicilian family. Still, once you marry into a family, you seem to meld into one another's lives, which has always been a problem for me.

My Australian sister-in-law is lovely, but I never see her, so apart from the odd message, we hardly hear from one another, which is hard to avoid since we live in different parts of the world. Still, even if we lived in the same city, it would be a regular, civilized relationship.

While my two Sicilian sisters-in-law, it's on an entirely different level. The two of them live in one another's pockets; they talk and gossip daily, children are swapped, babysat and constantly over one another's house.

I try to keep my distance, but I am always sucked back into this strange vortex of family, gossip, birthday parties, other social events and their intertwined lives.

So now I find myself having to buy a present for the newborn daughter of my sister-in-law's niece, out of obligation to my sister-in-law. Exactly why this is, I cannot tell you. Since everyone is making a fuss over the new baby, I think I would be seen as being antipatica (really disagreeable) if I didn't do the same. 

Don't get me wrong, I love newborns, but I hardly know these people. For me, it's like handing a present to the first person I see who walks past with a baby in a pram. The exact same level of emotional involvement. Oh, what a cute baby, congratulations. Can I get back to my life now?

Now not only am I obliged to buy a present but it isn't simply a case of grabbing any baby rattle and sticking a bow on it. Oh, no. I also have to worry about not doing a 'brutta figura' or making a wrong impression. So it has to be a decent gift from a reputable store that I know they will appreciate or at least be able to exchange for something they want.

Do you see how materialistic this is!!! That's what pisses me off. 

If I spontaneously thought I might want to visit the baby and bring a cake, that would be a nice thing to do.

But no, I have to shop at these people's preferred babywear brand stores so they don't think I'm poor or stingy. Why?!? Because that's what these Sicilians expect.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure not everyone is like this, but I'm lucky to have found these people in my life.

So that's what I had to do this week, which was annoying, but it's just one of the many hoops I'm forced to jump through to fit smoothly into Italian culture.

Socializing is very important to Italians, and whatever social event it may be, it's all about finding the best restaurant, having the most elegant outfit, and choosing the gifts to make a good impression.

The idea of a bella figura (or positive impact) is a very Italian concept. You can never make a brutta figura (wrong impression) because you will be criticized and die of embarrassment.

A bella figura is why Italians will always be impeccably dressed; even when going to the supermarket, you are judged by others.

I find it all superficial for my liking; I'm with the Americans. There's nothing wrong with wearing fitness wear to buy groceries. And some Australians are known to shop barefoot, and no one seems to care.

Strangely, Italy has a very rigid social hierarchy; you will be judged by how you dress, speak and your level of education. So if you are elegantly dressed, speak with a particular accent or in perfect Italian and have a degree, you've made it!

The whole concept of 'figura' or making the correct kind of first impression really stems from the fact that Sicilians and Italians, in general, have this intimate connection with their communities.

People live very close to other people, so Italy has a substantial population regarding its landmass, so the personal space between each person is much less. In fact, when I first moved here, I had a distinct sense of claustrophobia because I felt people were invading my personal space.

I used to get annoyed by constantly saying good morning to people; as soon as I stepped out of my front door, I was constantly bumping into other people, and I still am irked when people ask such personal questions, including my age.

But all of this invasiveness is because of how society and culture have grown to encapsulate the community. In Sicily, your front door is an extension of the living room.

Even the square (or piazza) is a part of that family space; it's where you meet your friends and socialise, so it's normal for you to want to look your best while there.

You see, there's always a profound psychological reason behind any behaviour.

Sometimes, I feel like David Attenborough in a wildlife documentary, observing and figuring out everyone's behaviour.

Perhaps I should consider studying anthropology.

Well, that's all from me this week, in Italy.

Best wishes from Rochelle

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About me

My name is Rochelle Del Borrello (@rochelledelborrello), and I'm a writer based in Sicily, Italy. Over the past decade, I've been writing about Sicily online, as a travel writer and on my blog. 

I am the only blog regularly publishing articles about local travel and everyday life in my part of Sicily, so I like to think my perspective is unique. I always try to give you a truthful sense of this Mediterranean island without being too touristy or romanticised.

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