#62 A Sicilian Diary

Malocchio or a different creative season

Hello friend,

I'm sorry I have been neglecting you. There is no real excuse. I've been in a strange headspace—one moment filled with high spirits, the next almost catatonic, swinging from brave rebellion to depression.

I haven't been able to get back into my rhythm or routine. It's as if I am stubbornly trying to ignore everything outside of myself; even the small things seem difficult. I don't do anything unless it is strictly necessary. Sleep, food and a decent level of cleanliness are all I can manage most days. I can understand how the chronically depressed can barely manage to clean themselves. These days, everything is overwhelming. But I digress.

Physical movement and progression are still being made; whether it be with tiny baby steps, we are still moving; that's all that counts. Sometimes, survival mode is all one can manage. Sometimes, the existential dread is palpable, as if something terrible is about to happen. Or as if the end of the world is nye. I tell you, sometimes the news makes you think so.

Some seasons are more productive than others, but this particular one is slower than those in the past. I have the sensation of moving backwards as if what I've done has gone past its used-by date, and my mind is decaying, unable to make anything new.

Self-doubt has always been a part of my equation, but it's become more than a simple case of imposter syndrome. At times, I can barely call myself a writer; I have been doing so little writing these days. I've gotten out of the habit of being constantly endlessly distracted. Sometimes, I cannot even complete my thoughts; my attention span is only a few seconds.

Even completing these pages is taking up all of my willpower. At this stage, giving up seems the most logical thing to do. When you no longer do something, haven't you already given up and moved on to living everyday life?

I've become so jittery every little sound that goes bump during the night makes me jump out of my skin.

If my Sicilian Nonni were still around, they would say I was under the influence of the Evil eye. The Mal'occhio is a pagan belief, a type of bad karma that stems from jealousy. When someone sees you doing well or becomes jealous of your achievements, they criticise you behind your back, and that bad energy is cast over you, making you lose yourself. A kind of curse brought about by a malevolent glare given to a person when they are unaware.

I'm unsure how you could test if you are affected by the evil eye. Still, several different ceremonies help you eliminate it—a mixture of prayers, incantations and anointment with olive oil. I don't know if I should dabble in such arts or simply say an Our Father or a Hail Mary and grab some Holy Water.

More than likely, I am self-sabotaging and procrastinating out of fear. So I'll push through and persevere until things are better. To abandon myself in the daily hum of distraction seems such a pity. That's what so many people do, don't they? They give up.

But I feel like I can't do that. These words make me feel so alive. It's my thing. This silly little gift I have of finding the right words. Of expressing myself better than most. It's a flickering light in my life that never fully extinguishes itself. In fact, at times, it is like an ardent woodfire that warms, comforts and makes me feel at home.

So, despite the naysayers and that nagging internal voice, I will ignore them and keep putting one word before the next.

I hope you are enjoying these more reflective posts. I'm working on loads of poetry and other writing to share with you, so please hang around.

I hate to be long-winded, so I will stop here for now.

I'll keep trying to write something here as often as I can.

Thanks for subscribing, and be sure to send this to a friend or someone you think might enjoy it.

I publish a free newsletter here about whatever is on my mind. Those who are paid subscribers also get a serialised version of my memoir, Sicilian Descent.

I occasionally write about things I've stumbled upon, including random reading, viewing, listening and other fantastic discoveries.

Word-of-mouth is the number one way readers find me, and I appreciate any time you forward an issue to a friend or drop a link in your group chat. Substack now offers a way for me to reward you for your referrals!

If you enjoy A Load off My Mind, it would mean the world to me if you invited friends to subscribe. If you refer friends, you will receive extra content and a monthly winner.

So do keep in touch.

Please share the love by forwarding this to a friend or two. It's a big help.

Cheers to you

mille grazie

with love from Sicily

Rochelle

P.S: Below here is the latest instalment of my Sicilian travel memoir if you want to go back read it all feel free to update to a paid subscription.