#116 Men and women in Italy

Hello friend,

This week, I got another question from one of my readers about friendships in Italy, specifically male and female friendships.

While I have already looked at the concept of creating new friendships in Italy as an expat, I think the idea of male and female relations is a whole separate subject to cover. I have struggled to understand it and am still navigating, but try as I can, I still haven't made many good friends, let alone a single male friend. 

I keep being blocked by social expectations, culture shock and the frustrating habit of finding the sexes either physically divided during social occasions or a sociological distance between male and female interests. 

Perhaps I need to get out of these small Sicilian towns, but it is undoubtedly frustrating. I miss having male friends. It always seems such a natural thing to have men in your social group in Australia, and I still do keep in touch with my platonic male friends.  

I find it very strange how some people think women cannot be friends with men. It's an old-fashioned mentality and very grating to my liberal sensibilities. So, let's take a closer look at this immensely frustrating culture shock in Italy.

Hi Rochelle,

I have been enjoying reading your posts especially the ones that discuss friendship in Italy, and wonder if I could ask you to elaborate a little. If men and women can't be friends because men are only interested in sex, and women only compete with one another, then do women mostly not have friends? I've read that Italian women tend to socialise mainly within their families, but on the other hand I have read many expats describing having been warmly embraced by their new communities. 

I am about two years out from a somewhat early retirement and have been considering a move to Italy (it would be as a dual citizen), largely, to be honest, for economic considerations, but also for all of the reasons that we all love Italy. However, I would be coming alone. Like you, I'm charming and make a great dinner guest :). I've always found it not too hard to make friends, although my needs for a social life are probably lower than average. My expectation has been that making friends is possible but naturally will take time, but I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps I'm being a bit naive. What are your thoughts on what I could reasonably expect? 

Thanks so much for your time, D.

Hi D,

Thanks so much for reading my posts; that's made my day. I always try to be honest and thorough with everything I write.

I recently wrote a detailed post about friendships in Italy, how they are usually formed and how to make friends here. Here is a link to the article: How to make friends in Italy and influence people.

How exciting and quite brave you are to be retiring to Italy.

I didn't mean to mislead you into thinking it is so difficult to make friends. 

I found in Sicily that there is still this traditional idea that men and women can't be friends, but I think that's changing a little, and perhaps in other parts of Italy, it isn't so cut and dry. 

I've always found it hard to make friends simply because most friendships here are formed through going to school; here, often, people have the same people around them; they are from the same town, go to primary and middle school together, then high school and work groups, it seems all a little clicky if you know what I mean.

But I do think the best way to go is to try to connect to the local community, find your regular bar where you get coffee, go to the same stores, be friendly, be sure to join a gym or sports centre, go and see the soccer games become a Milanista, Juventino or Interista, sport is an excellent bonding method. It is always easy to start conversations; it just needs to be cultivated and fed over time before it reaps any deep friendships.

I've made lovely friendships with my local baker, butcher, and grocer, and I have all their numbers. 

I have also taught many of the local children English over the years, and I have known many people through those kinds of connections throughout the years. 

There are many local associations you can join if you are interested; the local pro loco is all about volunteering to encourage tourism and will often organise great trips around the area; the Church will also have annual trips, social functions and yes, even prayer groups if you are that way inclined.

If you live in a city with a significant expat community, you can easily connect with other expats; for example, the Sigonella military base outside of Catania has a vast social network.

So you can see there are endless possibilities.

What I encourage you to do, above all, is try to dedicate time to brushing up on your Italian. I think it is vital if you want to connect with locals and become a part of the community you will be living in. 

Well, this is all I can think of for now, just off the top of my head.

I hope this helps, and do be sure to keep in touch.

Regards

Rochelle

If you aren't a paid subscriber and want to keep reading after the paywall on the paid posts, update to a paid subscription. 

After subscribing, you will have access to all the posts from my travel memoir, Sicilian Descent, dedicated to my experiences living in Sicily. 

Plus, all the other previously published articles are in my newsletter archives.

Your support makes my work possible. 

If you want a subscription but can't afford one, please email me at rochelledb@substack.com, and I can add you to the comp list.

Sometimes, I talk about Sicily.

Other times, I talk about whatever is on my mind.

My writing is always lightning, the mental load and sharing something of my thoughts with you.

I hope you enjoy the randomness of A Load Off My Mind.